Live in L O V E ?

she's totally right. i cant live in it, if it's something i dont believe in.
i.e. an atheist yells out, "Thank God, I ate that peach! It was delicious.."

Same thing, right? yess. I hope that maybe Samuel can teach me to love, I mean, God has taught me to have faith, and to adore Him and praise Him, and above all, to love Him. Why can't i learn to let love in in any other way? Or to learn to love another being? Because I won't let myself fall into it. I have a mind-set of being strong, i suppose i could say. I don't want to be weakened like a little girl, although i pretty much already am. But, i mean, i wont let my emotions be fully controlled by a guy who will eventually become extinct in my future. nawwmean? ugh, i've got some issues. i need to loosen up& let go for once.

by allllll means

lsoevxe is meaningful like art. you don't rush art.

*

unfinished.

This ambulance we rode on got trampled over and nothing could have retained it
Its own fuel caused its own self destruction.
Lacking self control and nothing but wet lashed metal was left throughout our mess
You picked up my arms and gave them to the nurse
She said the purse you made out them was pretty crafty but your fragile hands couldn’t get you anywhere with fingers like those.

The man stares at my freckled face, wonder what it is that makes it quaint.
He brings a marker to the table and connects a freckle to another, each come together and make a whole, He’s brought me together and glued me up. Piece by piece. A knife cut fashion that makes sweeny todd look like a genius.

The nurse wears my skin to work everyday

blissful

im R E A L happy, like so so soosososoooo happy :)

life's such a beautiful thannng<3
thank you Lord, for giving me another day, no no, for giving me another minute, no, a second to breathe, one more than the last one :)

pocket change full of regret

I hate that you knew me when i wasn't ready...I hate that you knew me when i didn't know myself.

ecstacy

your heartbeat makes me want to listen to cat power
your pulse reminds me of the ballad of jack and rose
like peeling off my heart and starting up again
and ive heard you speak when you write
but my eyes are so gone, this prescription sucks
glass feels neverending, reality is
ive already drank it

*don't wake me, im in e c s t a c y<3

Welcome to the j u n g l e e eee

so i copied and pasted all my blogs from myspace and written them onto here
i wont be writing anymore blogs on myspace.
so tune into my daily blogs on here from now on aha

heyhayhateeee

i guess i didnt think much, or at all right away. of course being young, being naive comes naturally. it still doesnt answer my question though, why do people do the things they do? why would somebody, or anybody for that fact, want to choose something they know is bad over something good? no no, more like something amazing! hate hate hate.
it fills my soul with hate. and it hurts infinitely, to the depths of the corners in my heart. sometimes, it even makes me cry from thinking about it too much. we were given life, to bloom and flourish and grow up to be the greatest. but why should those who want to waste away their lives even be thought of being given life to? mazes, labyrinths, whatever. theyre all about the same. we're not. we're good, we're bad. honestly, make up your mind. you cant fool around and stretch out the sides, expect one to simply go along. it's not happening.

If I were king.

<3
ive thought.
and realized.
and opened my eyes.
you dont need anyone besides yourself.
and you'll receive your belonging when you receive Him.

pleasing the bones

havent you heard? im stuck on a verse. im stuck on a boy who fills me with joy. i knew i was wrong to jump state on into this picture so pretty but he is so pretty to me.
i hate that i cant be as strong as i used to. i cry like a little girl, and i give away my heart unconditionally to those who hardly think about me in return.
i wish we could open our eyes, to see in all directions at the same time.what a beautiful view, if you were never aware of what was around you,and it is true what you said, that I live like a hermit in my own head,but when the sun shines again, i’ll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.distress drips into your heart through a pinhole, just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound. but while you debate half empty or half full,it slowly rises, your love is gonna drown.
"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."-J.Kerouac
....if you live to be a hundred years old i want to live to be a hundred minus a day because i never want to be without you.

li$ten miss kitten

what we had, and what it was.
money isnt everything?!
money's EVERYTHING!
but you took it away.
stepped into our garden and you stole our gold.
and, our long commute perished.
my lucky little clovers and all the love that surrounded.
"keep it classy," you said, bitch.
uncomfortably i keep contact and sometimes the wish thats there keeps me here. it will not change until hes out of yours, scarecrows haunt and no one passes by; because they know.
its taken our toll and we finally got it right, and once again we were revived..
for a second. but it just wasnt there anymore, you broke us away.
i gave in, but it died at the end.
the lilypad's werent sufficent enough to withstand their lonesome lives.
get that gun and blast your bitchass to his armssssssssss

calle techa

outworn sandals, dirty nappy hair, its been three days.

i'd never felt so close to you
but yet so far away.
we keep pulling and pushing away;
its in our magnetic force, we're at odd ends.

we cant meet.

ive said a couple times that maybe getting rid of the evidence might do me some good,
but in the event of throwing it all away, ive realized ive been tearing myself apart
you live inside of me,
and i used to live inside of you.
but no longer shall my lips speak of you
no longer shall my tongue caress your name.
youve left and ive stayed
i left but i returned,
and i left once again..
and remained frozen
why must i remain?
..you havent returned.

killing necccctarines

(last year was a productive year)

Squeeze, squeeze. Like compressing nectarines for milk. like planting an m&m tree, like sedating joey ramone. or a stampede of unicorns making way for mufasa.
..unbelievable.
i'll push, & i'll push, & i'll push away until the strongest can't bear no more. i've put up this wall, so i won't get hurt. but i dont know if this is the bus stop that i'm supposed to get off at. what i mean is, is this where i should put my guard down and let them burn through my flesh, break into my bones, and carve their name on my heart? To be striving for truth in the veins of a sinner would take a lifetime of lies to dig through, but when this mask has worn off, you'll realize i've let you in.

Printed Matter

(Written last year also)

The feeling's here, and its not going away anytime soon. i mean, ive tried getting rid of it, but it seems to stick around, and hopefully its for good. i cant really say anything about it, there'd be no point. im usually one to say things i feel towards others and such. but this time its different;...great. i like it best when i can say how i feel, and not be choked up with all these emotions. and i hate it when people say their stupid little remarks about how there's something there and blah blah, because i know theyre right. but i've got to admit that in all this sarcasm i seem to hide behind, theres always a little truth everytime i speak.

*there was more, but i erased it. ha

...To Cry

(I wrote this last year, after witnessing and being part of another girl's broken heart)

Because its the way its supposed to feel, when he leaves you, and you breakdown, because he was your everything, or at least its how you felt. and when he left you, you felt like everything you ever were, everything you had, everything you had become, was ripped completely apart from your being. i came to thinking a deep thought, i cant express it, but i can understand it in my mind and feel the way i feel about it in my heart. but its all part of God's magnificent plan. yeah, i know, everyone tells you that, no? but i actually understand it now, or at least i FEEL, like i do.
in order to get to the point to be wedded to your "soul mate" you need to go through the candidates in your path. you'll find that right person, after you've seen heartache, fear, and the heart thats blossomed in your soul. it takes a lifetime for a person to truly recognize that they've found their perfect someone, some foolish people can go on about saying they'll marry their current loved one, and not even knowing what lies behind those bubbly eyes, and into those wonderful respiratory lungs, in and out through the heart and skull of the body resting next to theirs.
when you find the one you're meant to be with for the rest of your life, you'll know right away from the way he speaks, walks, inhales the sunlight, and draws into his imagination. i might be young, and not know what love is, but i've gone through a hell of alot of heartache, and its made me feel at my worst, up to the point where i couldnt eat, and lost a tad bit of weight. i couldnt look at food, because i felt so empty and couldnt possibly let anything in, without regaining what i had just lost. no boy ever made me cry, 'cept for one...
...he was a gosh darn special one, and i let him slip...no, i didnt, he just wasnt for me, and probably isnt for me now, but maybe he'll be the right one for me someday, or maybe not.
but throughout all the crummy feelings that its made me feel, i've realized that its like a play. you act out the part, and then you're done. right? naw, its nothing like that, but on this stage, i've learned to fly, learned to sing, and learned to cry.
its God's plan called Life?
...me

Hero Essay

(An assignment for Mr. Mangan's english class my junior year)

For my english class we had to write about our male-hero, but instead i went against the current and wrote about my mother :) lol my teacher said it was good, but i didnt follow the directions, and gave me a 50 out of 100. 'tis like dirt off my shoulders dawwwwwwwwg.
I've had to think alot about who my favorite male hero is, because frankly... i really dont have one. i was raised by a single mother, and there was never a male father-figure in my life. my father was never EVER involved in my life, and for that i despise him. i dont necessarily hate men, but i'm more of a feminist, and i guess you could say i strongly dislike the male-figure that is always shown on T.V.
the type of father that plays catch with their son, or the father that has to endure playing dolls with his baby girl, yeah... i never had that. sometimes, it bothers me so much that i never developed a close relationship with my father, but at times i'm happy to have been raised by my mother.
in a way, my mother is my mother, on one hand, and on the other, she's also been my father at both times. doesnt matter that she's not of the male-gender, but throughout my life she has been there for me. as a mother, father, friend, she's been my everything, she's taught me more things htan what having a father would have, and to me that has always been enough.
my mother, my hero, is the most profound person that i've ever met. she has a way of making such great foods, the way she makes me laugh whenever i'm mad at her, but hate to admit it. when shes mad, GET BACK! thats when all hell breaks loose. ive come to see that we have one of the best mother-daughter relationships.
she's the woman who's blood flows through my veins, who's milk fed my fragile body, who's words permanently touched my heart, and who's heart will always be my home, she's my hero... my momma maryanne?

crushshhshcrhsuhshs

I guess there's really no point in hiding it, if something is putting you down, let it go. I thought about it, but it's hard. Like Dakota Rosa Blunt, and not being able to put it down. I miss you. It hurts the pearl that's been inside. Those little love songs you sing, they have no effect, when you're destroying yourself. Please, please, love. Having fear, will never amount to love. Carry yourself back to me unspoiled.

H O P E.

I've been angry at the world for far too long. I need to speak to God more often.
I get so angry, I can't even speak to my mother anymore, I loveee her so much, & she's the one I hurt the most. I love her so much that I'm afraid I'm gonna die from loving her so much. I'd never tell her this. I have been angry for far too long, I've forgotten why I was even angry to begin with.

A couple weeks ago, I'd say "I cant wait to die" and I even stopped loving my self-confident, conceited, cocky me. Where'd I go? I want me back! I neeeed me back. I lost it all, without me, I can't find anything, I can't translate, I can't commute. I live in a labyrinth.

I found myself at the bottom of a pitless abyss. I cry, cry, cry. But I've forgotten how much love I used to have for everything and everyone in this world. I might've said that I had a rotten heart, and up to this day I really can't believe how bad my heart really was. No one can see this. No one can heal it. I need you, poppa. When will we be together again? I'm sick and tired of having to walk this dirt if I can't be with you. I can feel you, all day, everyday. I can't believe that my fears took over and your love was pushed aside. I need you, hold me, puhhhleeeeez! Never, ever let me go, and I know you never will, and I need you now more than I ever have. Help me get through these rough times, even if they're really not rough, help me through it alllllll. Until you come, I'll be waiting, because I know Heaven is well worth it.

Open up your eyesss

You don't see me. You don't understand me? How can you, you're barely getting through my skin. What you don't know is, I know you well enough to travel through your veins, and I've already gone in and out and searched your soul, and I've seen. Have you not noticed that even if you dont want or need me in there, I'll never survive? I won't survive without you, and I need you to need your self. When I searched your soul, it was made clear to me that you don't fit in your very own soul. Vomit isn't allowed, it's prohibited, so I'll clean up this mess, and I'll put you together and I'll sew yourself in, with my heart to grow inside as well. I haven't seen much of this world, but I've seen the world that I don't wanna be in. Become the world that I see deep inside. Lime is not a self-destruction, but strawberrie fields remain forever.