the reversed fool

Sometimes I feel that my keen sense of childlike wonder and over-the-top optimism are some of my greatest qualities, but also some of my worst. I'm constantly in a back and forth yo-yo with my emotions, though I'm not bipolar, I am a very moody bitch. I often like to blame it on my sun and moon placements for being complete opposites. I do acknowledge that my depression has been a huge weight to carry for what seems to be my whole life. BUT! I also strongly acknowledge that had I not been an over-the-top optimist who constantly feels like a radiant sun will come the next day, I don't think I would be where I am today.

Today, I find myself navigating my newest and greatest journey thus far: inner healing and radical self love. What a process. Unpacking, relearning, unpacking some more, regressing, observing, relearning, observing some more. The list goes on and on, and I continue to find myself in awe of myself and the resilience I've granted myself on this earthship the last 32 years. I continue to see the strength that I constantly fall back on and use to pull myself out of dark pits. There have been many instances in my life where people have pointed out certain aspects of mine that make them wonder how I manage to pull myself up everytime. I had a great boss in my mid-twenties, who once mentioned to me, "theres this immense shitty situation in your life you can't outrun and yet you manage to be a happy person." This came after I blew up on my HR director, for valid reasons, but I normally wouldnt've acted out of my character had I not been steaming inside over the unjust mistreatment I was having at home. I blew up on the wrong person, and my boss' statement was also wrong. At the time I didn't know why I was constantly being punished, I always felt I was being punished. I was always a good kid. I was always fighting fighting fighting to make sure my stepdad knew the truth about me, and constantly feeling like my truth was never enough. This reoccuring tensing feeling filled me up everytime he came home from work, where I was wishing I was anywhere but home.

Why couldn't I just be me? Authentically me. I was thrown into a labyrinth everyday. every day. It became so exhausting. I was so constantly exhausted. I was being pushed to my mental limit and in a lot of cases pushed past it.

I look back at this time in my life more times than I wish I did. It was my life for 24 years. Of course there's going to be trauma on loop in my brain. I'm only 32 now, it hasn't been that long since I escaped. A lot of unraveling to do, a lifetime of healing to go. Luckily, 24 years is nothing compared to what another 70 years of reinforced radical love can do, so cheers to that!